My workflow for this blog is weird. Basically, I take photos just about every day, and on the weekend I import my favorite photos into the blog with the intention of writing my posts amidst the photos. But I get caught up in the photos and have few words lately. So I go several weeks without words and just pictures, and it just starts to get overwhelming to think about putting words between ALL of those pictures. And I have so much and so little to say. And really hasn’t it already all been said anyway?
I suppose this sounds like angst, but it doesn’t feel like angst. It just feels like mostly I’m not doing anything terribly interesting. At least nothing I can put into words that tell a story that I think would be interesting or amusing to anyone except me.
At the same time, *I* find my life to be deeply interesting and infinitely amusing. And maybe someone else could possibly be entertained by my conversations with myself. If not, I hope at least people enjoy the pretty pictures. I’ll go on having these conversations with myself, regardless.
I have some potentially monumental changes in my life coming up, and I’m super looking forward to it, which makes up for the fact that it’s also intimidatingly scary to face this huge of a change. I don’t want to be overly vague, but I also don’t want to disclose too much until the catalyzing event is scheduled and solidified. However, it’s an evolution of a slowly rolling plan that has been modified several times until the current iteration, and it’s a testament to my learned behavior of trying to make something out of something else entirely and doing my best to remain positive in spite of uncertainty. And I don’t feel boastful taking credit for that behavior, as it was hard to learn. And I still struggle with it.
Looking at the before and after pictures in just the last year of my life, for instance, makes me feel pretty damn capable of taking on just about anything. And I’m kind of proud to say that in spite of my many and varied flaws I do seem to have a strong and innate ability to persevere.
There is no greater marker of progress than a garden, I suppose. And living beings that are thriving. These things comfort me when other facets in my life are less verdant. I am capable of this. And if I am not capable, I can become capable. I can adapt. I am resilient. I rezeal.
Anyway – so yeah. That is all pending and now is now. Now is things growing and blooming. Tomatoes bearing fruit and flowing squash and leafing peppers and potatoes flowering.
I’ve come a long way, but I’ve still a lot to learn. My beans and cucumbers aren’t doing great where I’ve put them. I suspect it’s too shady for them. They aren’t leafing out as expected, but I’m getting enough green beans to snack on and one of the cuke plants seems like it just might turn into something. This is useful information to gather as I rotate the crops. The more northern section of the fence has less shade. However, perhaps as the summer emerges, and the days get longer and sunnier, the shade will offer necessary relief. I guess I’ll wait and see.
I’ve developed an elaborate system of tracking what I’m growing in a spreadsheet. From seed to harvest – including the ordering of seeds. As well as tracking what is in each bed. Refining as I go. I’m feeling super nerdy about admitting it, but also proud. I will reward myself for taking good care of each bed by building more beds to take care of. And so forth.
Also big news: Coming soon…FLOOFY PUPPINESS. In fact, at this time next week I should be typing with a floofy puppy in my lap. You can bet there will be a zillion pictures. If you are interested in that sort of thing.
Things on the mom front have been difficult. It’s been a challenge for The Tao of Bird to be a teenager this year more than any of his preceding years…and it’s been a challenge to be his mother. I don’t want to elaborate out of respect for his privacy, but…yeah. He’s had a rough year. I feel for him. I have the advantage of having been through enough really rough years to not worry overmuch about whether there will ever be a non-rough year, but he doesn’t have that perspective, and it’s impossible to convey that to him. You just have to live it. Damnit if it isn’t almost more difficult watching someone you love living it than it seems like it was to actually live it.
On the other hand, and this is not in comparison like a good son/bad son comparison – just in terms of current circumstances – Buddha the Grouch seems to be doing very well for himself. He finished his first year of school and is staying in Vermont for the summer. Of course I’d love to see him, but I’m damn proud of him and so happy he’s doing things on his own terms and in a place where he can accomplish his goals. To be honest, when he called to let me know he got a job for he summer, I had the same feeling of “My work here is done” satisfaction I had when he learned how to read and when he first wrote an essay that demonstrated an acute ability to bullshit his way through a task. So, pretty much in my eyes everything he accomplishes from this point forward is icing. And though I’ll always be here for him if he needs me, I sense there will be less and less he needs from me moving forward. And if I think about that too hard it might make me squinty-eyed-cry, but I’m going to just float on the edges of that thought and enjoy the placid contentment of having raised a living being from dependent child to self-sufficient man.
And in that space…with that lens…I can comfort myself that Tao of Bird will get there. Eventually. He’s a different kid with different strengths and challenges, and he will get there. I believe in him.
I mean, for crying out loud, this month alone I successfully managed to rehome a dog, and my weird cat managed to lay down next to my hyper gigantic dog and they slept peacefully that way for a good long time until the cat moved too quickly and the dog went into sight hound mode.
Also – the voters in Austin made a very good decision by rejecting this monstrosity. So, there’s that.
Also flowers. And fruit. And artichokes.
And my one year anniversary of becoming a crazy chicken lady!