Tag Archive: breakup


 

So, this week I tried something new. Instead of considering the feelings of every single person in a situation except for myself, I chose to actually consider my feelings first. I realized I didn’t have to be angry at someone to reject what they were offering, I just had to think about what I really wanted, and whether what was being offered was in alignment with what I really wanted. And though the short-term effect of that decision is painful…from past experience I am almost 100% certain that the pain I’m feeling now is nowhere near the pain I would feel if I were to have accepted that offer. Sometimes really wonderful people won’t have what I need. And just because it still hurts doesn’t mean it’s not progress.

Yay! (she feebly celebrates…) hahaha.

In other news – it’s nearly mid-month and I have not done much for the zine. I need to kick it into high gear these last two weeks! Oddly enough, it’s the writing that’s giving me trouble. I don’t know what my deal is with the writer’s block, but I wish it would just stop. I have plenty to write about. It’s not that I don’t have ideas. It’s that I allow myself to become distracted. Writing needs to become ritualized. It needs to become something I do at a specific time every day or at specific times throughout the week WITHOUT FAIL. Once I’ve established the habit again, I can be more lax about when it happens. I need to remind myself that writing matters. Perhaps overcoming minor heartbreak will be a good impetus. I definitely did a lot of journal processing these past couple of days.

Also, just when I thought I was going to completely run out of money, I discovered double-time-and-a-half holiday pay at my job. I’m working pretty much every holiday through the end of the year, so…hopefully that will help me take care of some of these things I’m behind on and/or have been waiting for money to take care of. Things like new bras, fixing my kid’s computer, A FREAKING HAIRCUT FOR ME, and I was thinking I could really use a new dress. Something swing-y and retro and comfy. Oh, and…you know, catching up on my stupid utilities and fixing my damn a/c on my car. You know – stuff that piles up when one is living paycheck to paycheck. And funding the zine, though I’m hoping I can just take advance orders to fund it.

Oh, randomness. I’m loving the cold, though I spent much of the day today stubbornly refusing to turn on the heat – blowing on my hands between calls and shoving them in the pockets of my sweatpants while on the phone. It occurs to me that I should drag my footie pajamas from the storage bin under my bed. How very awesome that I can wear footie pajamas while working. What a frikking coup that is!

And…just when I”m feeling like hibernating in my little Hidey Hole and not socializing – here comes a busy weekend filled with plans. Most of which I really can’t cancel. I’m going to need to look hard at my schedule and plan another “lay in bed and read comic books all day” day sometime soon to make up for it. But some truly exciting stuff is happening. For one thing, I feel like I need to contribute to all of the great work that’s being done to help folks who were flooded out of their homes on Halloween. I’m really proud of all the hard work everyone is doing working with those communities. For another, I’m truly excited that some of the folks from Strike Debt will be here in Austin this week to hold a Debtor’s Assembly and Debtor’s Carnival. I can’t make the assembly because I have to work, but I’m super stoked about seeing people at the Carnival – though I wish it could happen in my bedroom with me in my jammies and the covers pulled up under my chin. hahaha. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I had the power to just travel everywhere in my comfy bed – all tucked in? I feel like there needs to be a movie about that if there hasn’t already been one. Or, wait…was that a Kids In The Hall sketch?

No matter – I’m just dreaming. Dreaming about sleeping and dreaming and floating through life in my comfy bed in my jammy jams. ❤

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Shadowplay

Shadowplay

Shadowplay

That moment when you are driving, and the only voicemail that transferred from your old phone to your new one – the one where he was full of signature run-on sentences, sweetness, and support in the wake of your layoff. The one where he says “Fuck them – You’re amazing.” and you can tell he really means it. The one he left the week before he broke up with you. That one. THAT mysteriously comes on over your car stereo, casually inserting itself, full blast, between Joni Mitchell and Joy Division. Ouch. Yeah. That moment. That’s a rough one.

I haven’t read the news today. In fact, I’ve not read much news since the end of the manhunt on Friday. I’m tired of external reality. Particularly larger external reality. I needed to be in my tiny little world for a little while. I’ll probably venture out tomorrow.

Trying not to do the countdown to employment, but you know I am doing it anyway. Two weeks. I might as well say it out loud. Two weeks until I’m fully employed, and I’m already having to run little errands for work to prepare. But it’s not so bad. Mostly, what I’m looking forward to in this job is the ability to just turn off work at the end of the day and not think about it. And on Sunday night – or the night before my workweek begins – I won’t have to “prepare for work.” All I’ll have to do is roll out of bed and go to work. I can do that for awhile, for sure. In fact, I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing at this point.

Like I said, I’m trying not to do the countdown thing. Instead, I’m setting goals that will overlap with the start date, so it doesn’t feel like starting work is the end of my time. I will still have time. I will still have time. I will still have time.

I managed to sleep in this morning…until 9:30, at least. Through the gauntlet of alarms on all of my various devices. I woke up to grey/rainy/cold morning, and promptly resumed my morning ritual of reading on the porch with coffee. Today’s reading selection: American Splendor.

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It was a great choice, because art like this just makes me all squishy inside. Look at the detail. It’s really evocative to meImage

The only problem is that Harvey Pekar now reminds me of someone I miss, so while my heart was warmed by panels such as these…

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ImageI was forced to admit to myself for the first time that I’m a little bit fucking heartbroken. That fucking brat. He went and broke my damn heart.

At any rate, the coffee was good. The garden is growing.

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And April showers bring tomato flowers…

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So I had lunch, ice cream, and a delightful walk with a new friend, came home and made coleslaw for the kids and I to enjoy tomorrow, caught up on the news, took some deep breaths, and started writing.

Thanks for reading. ❤

***

And now…the news:

Lots of links today about the Exxon Pegasus spill in Mayflower, Arkansas (If I was feeling less lethargic, I’d make up a clever segue between April showers and Mayflower, but you are on your own for that today.)

Here’s a good general roundup:
http://www.desmogblog.com/2013/04/01/everything-you-need-know-about-exxon-pegasus-tar-sands-spill

“When we first head about the Exxon tar sands spill in Arkansas we knew we had to respond. A group of Blockaders arrived in Mayflower late last night to assist affected residents with mutual aid and help amplify their stories. Here is their first dispatch from the scene. You can also watch their livestream coverage.”

http://www.tarsandsblockade.org/exxonspill-dispatches/

Seriously. I was listening to NPR this afternoon, and I heard like a 15 second snippet on the Mayflower spill. Come on, now, media. DO YOUR FREAKING JOB!

http://www.ultimatecivics.org/index.php/contact/exxon-pipeline-spill-media-advisory

Really FAA? So our federal government can spy on non-violent protest movements, but people can’t fly planes over an oil spill?

http://tfr.faa.gov/save_pages/detail_3_8699.html

Angry yet?

US law says no ‘oil’ spilled in Arkansas, exempting Exxon from cleanup dues
http://rt.com/usa/arkansas-spill-exxon-cleanup-244/
Exxon’s Duck-Killing Pipeline Won’t Pay Taxes To Oil Spill Cleanup Fund
http://thinkprogress.org/climate/2013/04/02/1810571/exxons-duck-killing-pipeline-doesnt-pay-taxes-to-oil-spill-cleanup-fund/

Looking for some solidarity among fellow activists and workers on May Day this year?

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Calling all occupiers and activists: Those of us who were at General Assembly on Monday would like to have a gathering for MayDay. We’re thinking Republic Square Park would be a good place. I would like to organize teach-ins and perhaps a small Un-conference for the event…other ideas are also welcome. We will not be labeling this even specifically “Occupy Austin.” All are welcome to enjoy whatever it is we all decide to do!

If you would like to help organize, or if you have something you would like to teach or something you would like to learn, please contact me at oawelcomewagon@gmail.com OR come to General Assembly next Monday, April 8th, at 7 PM at the Capitol Building (south steps) – we may also choose to move the discussion after General Assembly to the Tactics and Strategy meeting. Contact us for further information.

Thanks! Looking forward to seeing you there!

Enjoyed these insightful words from Anil Dash, even though they were mostly depressing:

“We should remember that ToS isn’t law. Geeks will hack software but treat ToS as sacred. Our culture is negatively impacted by ToS and we should reclaim our agency over them. “We should think about how to organize action around specific clauses in ToS.” In fact, “people have already chosen a path of civil disobedience.” E.g., search YouTube for “no infringement intended.” “It’s like poetry.” They’re saying “I’m not trying to step on your toes, but the world needs to see this.” “I’m so inspired by this.” If millions of teenagers assembled to engage in civil disobedience, we’d be amazed. They do on line. They feel they need to transgress because of a creative urge, or because it’s speech with a friend not an act of publishing. “That’s the opportunity. That’s the exciting part. People are doing this every single day.”

http://www.hyperorg.com/blogger/2013/04/02/berkman-anil-dash-on-the-web-we-lost/?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews

Heartened by these powerful quotes from Arundhati Roy:

Watch This Video —>http://bit.ly/WBepP6<—’Confronting Empire’ by Arundhati Roy

“The corporate revolution will collapse if we refuse to buy what they are selling : their ideas, their version of history, their wars, their weapons, their notion of inevitability. Remember this: We be many and they be few. They need us more than we need them. Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, if you listen very carefully you can hear her breathing.” —Arundhati Roy
Verified quote: Book- ‘Occupy This!’, Publisher: Penguin Books, Author: Judy Rebick, source: http://bit.ly/Y7bs8F

“Our strategy should be not only to confront empire, but to lay siege to it. To deprive it of oxygen. To shame it. To mock it. With our art, our music, our literature, our stubbornness, our joy, our brilliance, our sheer relentlessness : and our ability to tell our own stories. Stories that are different from the ones we’re being brainwashed to believe.” —Arundhati Roy
Verified quote: Book- ‘Empire No More!: The Lion And Wolf Shall Cease’, Publisher: Spokesman Books, Author:
Ken Coates, source: http://bit.ly/13ykxPB

Full Speech ‘Confronting Empire’ By Arundhati Roy, Porto Alegre, Brazil, January 27, 2003 >http://bit.ly/pwleZv

And enjoyed some (quick) physics lessons: http://www.youtube.com/user/minutephysics

*The title of this post should have made you think of this song. Because that’s what I was singing to myself all. damn. day.