Tag Archive: prose

Try Not To Breathe

Lately, someone has been attempting to pull me back into a dynamic that I do not wish to be pulled back into. It’s difficult to resist, and there is no reward in resistance or compliance.

…and navigating my emotions is like trying to find splashes of color in weedy undergrowth. It’s there. The color is there. But I can get trapped beneath layer upon layer of prickle, and upon emerging must set about removing the burrs.

This has all happened before. Many times over. Recurring themes are recurring. Difficult people are difficult. And it seems the most difficult people are the most persistent. But I refuse to allow the one major mistake I’ve made in my life to cause me to veer from a path of joy and appreciation for life, and especially not the joy and appreciation for the lives that were the fruit of that one major mistake.

This is all very difficult for me, though. When there is someone in my life insisting emphatically that I am very much the kind of person that I wish not to be. That I am unfair, untrustworthy, mean, a bad parent…regardless of evidence to the contrary, it’s difficult not to listen. Particularly because all I’ve ever wanted in life is to be fair, trustworthy, and nice (which hopefully leads to being a good parent.) Warding off statements to the contrary by my own will is contrary to my nature, as part of being fair, trustworthy, and nice includes listening to others when they tell you your behavior is causing pain or anger.

When confronted with this, I’m forced to remember what makes the person providing this feedback untrustworthy…which is almost more painful than just accepting the criticisms being levied.

I’m also forced to narrow my expectations of appreciation for life. When generally I feel pretty joyful most of the time, and ridiculously simple things inspire long-lasting happiness, in these times I look for small moments. I’m neither an adherent of the principles of AA, nor a religious person, but “one day at a time” can become “one hour at a time” or even “one moment at a time.”

So it is that I am here, carefully picking out stepping stones to support me as I cross this river of familiar frustration and pain. Helicopter arms fully deployed. Trying not to be blinded by the flashes of sunlight reflecting off of the water.

I’ll be alright. I’m already alright. I know I’ll reach the other side eventually. And I’ll try not to think about the next river I will no doubt need to ford once I get there.


Water Through Sand

Your Robot Heart

Your Robot Heart

(This story is (not) true)

The feeling decisive I am transposed growing fragrant flagrantly desired. I can stop this tropical drop kick sudden misalignment sudden non-attachment. I am not ok with this this is too much for me. I rise with the sun and set with the waves.

Ironing out the kink in my armor I don, gray, move forward into oblivion. I am nothing if not superlative. Absolute. Fired. You are absolutely nothing to me and this meaninglessness is all-encompassing.

There was a brief sting and then it was me. And then you. And I was standing there, regarding with frenzied fury. This is no accident of birth this is no mismatched apprentice this is no apprehension to bear another fight and flight and fog and burn and crash and be and flag.

When I resounded, I sounded loudly. I grew weary. I was at my worst/best when we met – and I return to that now. I move outward, bleakly. The edges of this apocalypse are thinly-formed. A valor that completes itself. An armament. A breeze.

You soldiered forth, still valorous dolorous. We shared walks, talks, mushrooming time in the wake of / midst of / dream of eternity. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to you, except my total heart. There is nothing you couldn’t take from me – aside from everything.

We made no plans & all plans. Meaning you filled in the gaps. Nicely. Like sand through rocks. Like water through sand. And I soaked it in. Not complaining over the absence of commitment or statement of purpose.

I brought you in. Fed you. Warmed you by my fire. Kept you loved you fed you some more. Soothed you and never demanded a damn thing of you.

And so I was NOT biding my time but enjoying each moment as it happened. Tricky, that – but suddenly easy. Allowed myself to be nourished by ENOUGH – not too much. Felt not a moment of anger or jealousy. Truly wanted happiness – in whatever form it was meant to take for you. Yours and mine, yet mine seemed at the same time deferred and requited. Persistent bliss – Chronic. This is/was no ordinary thing. Emotions run thick & I am in the thick of it.

My life – so wonderful you began to pick it apart. The people I admired. The music I was inspired by. The places I enjoyed. All fell under the purview of your delighted disgust. You became fairly wretched, actually…and I didn’t realize it until being pushed to this distance.

Finally, you took back the one thing of value you gave me to keep. Your data. Your robotic heart. And I lost the one thing I kept that you gave. The yo-yo. My joyful heart.

Sometimes, that is the way it works. I”m not ashamed of the love I felt for you – unbounded and immense – unmeasurable and intense. It is who I am. Onward and upward. And you soaked it in like water through sand.