Tag Archive: meditation

Trying to find words tonight. I’ve literally been staring at the screen for 15 minutes or more. Straining. There is so much, and yet…no words to express.

I’m not feeling the clever words about what happened this time last year at the Texas State Capitol, where for a moment there, everyone saw the ridiculous lengths those in power will go to to remain in power. It was just a moment, but everything was exposed. And yet…amnesia.

May My Consciousness & (My)

I don’t want to write about political frustrations on these pages. Though I have considered returning to a format where I post links to current events after several paragraphs of solopsistic esoterica…but I feel like I’m constantly feeding links about news into the void. On these pages…and in my journal…I focus on process. My process. A lifelong project. A lifelong process.

(Beh)avior Bee ov service to all Beeingz in

My intention with these pages. With this blog. Is to explore words without consequences. It’s my escape from thinking things through. Even this post, with its over-awareness of itself, is violating several of the preceding principles. I need to make this space my space for unthinking.

Wait awhile, close your eyes, let your breathing stop three seconds or so, listen to the inside silence in the womb of the world, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, re-recognize the bliss you forgot, the emptiness and essence and ecstasy of ever having been and ever to be the golden eternity. This is the lesson you forgot. -Jack Kerouac

I nervously paste those words into an email and send them…but neglect to add an address to send to.

all worldz, Liberating all…

He asked me if I’ve ever stopped (writing.) It felt good to honestly say that I haven’t. I haven’t ever stopped. I haven’t ever stopped writing. The writing changes. My language. My inflection. My intention. But, reading back, and filtering out the crap, I’d say there’s a lot of stuff that’s better than I’m willing to admit. A good editor might be able to make something of it. Maybe someday I will find a good editor.

into the suchness of this

Until then, I’m just re-recognizing the bliss I forgot. Calling forth the lesson I forgot.

& every moment -X


looked at

him, asked

“Are You the lesson

I forgot.”



a reminder.


photo 5

I’m beginning to really resent technology.

Reminding myself again that a day out on a boat in the middle of the lake is a goal. Within the next month or so. It needs to happen. I would actually prefer a frosty mountaintop, but a boat on a lake will do for now. Jesus. Even a fucking rowboat at this point would do. I don’t fucking care. Hahaha.

Things have been far too stressful, and while I”m tempted to say I’m not handling the stress well, I don’t want to pile self-loathing on top of the stress. I’m doing the best that I can. I’m finding moments to relax. I’m trying my best to control the things I can control and not let things get away from me. But it’s just that both of the children need ALL OF THE THINGS. And all of the things are breaking. And I keep settling down into a groove at work, only to have that groove interrupted by another “opportunity.” And I can’t turn down opportunities because all of the things are breaking, and the only way to pay for things that break is by taking advantage of opportunities. And you can’t really have opportunities without some degree of disruption and discomfort.

And I’m all for temporary discomfort for more permanent gains, but it would be nice to settle for a bit. It doesn’t look like settling for a bit will be happening until after December, so I need to find a way to settle within the discomfort.

Poetry is helping, for the most part. I should say, Plath did not help. Plath made things worse. But today, some Gary Snyder nature poems fixed me right up. Gave me reason to drift. Realigned my soul-spine. Reminded me of that Kerouac quote from Desolation Angels, “When all is said and done, it doesn’t matter.” Also, “You can’t fall off a mountain.” (though for some reason, I remember (and prefer) those quotes as “When all is said and done, nothing matters.” and “You can’t fall UP a mountain.”)

Because I sure as shit am not descending any time soon, so I might as well find a way to appreciate the labor against gravity.