I’m a very lazy gardener. Those who know where I live can attest to the fact that I strive to keep my levels of maintenance as low as possible. Right now, the “lawn” is about knee high, with random tree sprouts starting. Two of my outside-the-yard gardens are fully overgrown (There are a couple of carrots growing in one of them, and they take so freaking long to grow that I might just turn that garden into the carrot patch when it’s carrot planting season again because – no joke – I’m pretty sure I planted those carrots like a YEAR ago, and they aren’t even close to being done.)
And, really, it’s only the 6 months or so that I consider myself qualified to use the term “gardener.” Before, I was just a lazy homeowner. And, whatever. Other things had priority. Now my goal is to find the perfect balance of slack and exertion – with a garden that is a balance of trash and treasure. I can only focus on so much at once. And, as I keep reminding myself…it’s a process. It’s a journey.
Those are important things to remember as I approach the last remaining months of sharing a home with Buddha the Grouch. And as I resume life with the Tao of Bird without BTG’s presence…and, you know, ME. And my life. Moving forward into what I will become. As always. I find myself grieving a little. Looking through pictures. Buddha The Grouch scoffs at my sentimentality. I remind him that he has always said he’s never coming back. He smiles sheepishly. I call him “The Stephen Colbert” of children, for a reason. Always in character, but somehow always him.
And time is so fleeting for Tao of Bird, as well. The adolescent attitude pervades our interactions. It’s difficult for me to not wonder if things would be different if he wasn’t in school. I struggle to remember a time that I was less sure of Buddha the Grouch. I know there was one. Like childbirth, I suppose you forget that pain. It gives me an edge. But I also remember it well enough to know I don’t have to worry quite as much as I feel like I need to.
The bigger chickens are approaching integration day. I’m still not sure what I will do with the littles. Perhaps I will move the mini coop into the larger pen and let everyone have their own space for a bit. I trust the girls will take care of each other. That’s only a few weeks out, max. The grow SO FAST. It’s kind of amazing. Skunk even CLUCKED the other day. It was like she had an adolescent voice crack, and then went back to chirping.
I learned some things about my family this week that I probably didn’t want to know, but was oddly relieved to hear spoken out loud. And realized two things.
- I really, truly was the goody two-shoes of my family.
- I probably need to make an appointment with my therapist.
I got an estimate for the tree work and an estimate for the fence work. Both are A LOT more than I thought they would be, but I also feel that now is the time to spare no expense on those things. So I am quietly and as serenely as possible watching the loan money dwindle, and watching beautiful gardens, birds, butterflies, and bright colors springing up in its wake. I am lining my nest with feathers.
I went on a non-date with a nice man to remind myself that it doesn’t matter how nice the man might be, I’m just not in the mood to share my time with anyone on a consistent basis. I’m too completely enjoying doing whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want to do it.
❤ ❤ ❤